351 Rectify

351_Rectify

If you look handsome, you feel good.

To rectify a life of voices would be difficult, but a loved one to lean on will help see the light.

I have had voices, since 2006, for the last 20 years. They are rarely negative towards me, but naïve doctors insist I need a lot of medication, while short in stature, and this tends to play with my daily routine and sometimes my ability with technology. We can see over the fence of a dreamy eye synthesis and blame it on repetitive, bad learning.

The voices all seem to be against me, except for a few, but are positive towards their seeming presumed owner. One can talk of computers and micro-chips, Satan and dark entities. But I believe it is my brain saying life is just not fair, so, out of resistance I need an emotional war to kill myself over, as if committing virtual suicide, because I have low self-esteem, and no acceptance of an illness.

And then you wonder, what is true from disgusting disembodied pornification, and realise you may have done that yourself, earlier in the day, trying to reach a climax. But you pray, eventually for forgiveness. And that fluff never goes. Some have had a real life of goodness in hindsight over the last 20 years. I, on the other hand, have spent, the last 20 years under the NHS Mental Health Act, this is my 8th year in hospital, 4 years homeless and institutionalised, and the last 6 years purported to be gay, never mind Hitler at one turn from a past life, and there is no truth to the last 2. I may as well be dead, yet, I have worked as a fully qualified Architect for 11 years, and now I have to accept I need some help, while most go alone.

Fear not, I am never going to kill myself, because I always have hope for the future, and I have overcome my fear of autocratic doctor’s decisions to make me feel like doing it in the past. But with no finance, I have little hope for the future, so, it is impossible to say how long it will take? I currently cannot work and have little motivation to. The stress of thinking about it was making me rush to. I am currently stuck in a hospital that allows seemingly real conversation to creep into my head, when I am not doing the few daily activities I do, on a bad day. I cannot wait to get home, and to live again, but here I feel a failure. I am tired of being dead in a locked door unit, when I am not a criminal for doing my best to help my local police.

I will get to where I want to be one day.

The future?

Love AB X

AMEN

Dedicated to my future wife, whether I have met her yet or not? _